Happiness....

....Is nothing but a full glass of water precariously sitting by your elbow...just waiting to be tipped over. Why do we put so much focus and importance on something so flimsy? What does it mean to be happy? How do we achieve it on a more permanent basis?
"I just want to be happy"
What does that even mean?

Those are all questions I've been very focused on since Christmas time, when I knew I wasn't happy, and knew I needed to find it.
I decided it meant self fulfillment.
What do I need to do to feel fulfilled and "happy"?
I've learnt basing your own happiness dependent on other people or another person is a very dangerous situation to put ones self in. Yet, I've done it, over and over, and the end result each time has been quite similar I must say.
Definition of insanity - Choosing the same path or repeating the same pattern over and over and expecting a different outcome.
I decided over Christmas that it was time to STOP the insanity.
but how?
And how am I doing with that so far?
Well..I've made some progress I should think...honestly it's still a struggle...
I came home at after Christmas and made a list of things I needed to feel fulfilled..

1) I need to live in a space that makes me comfortable and relaxed - I moved 2 days later (check)
2) I need a job that challenges me and offers a bright career path - I started a new job 2 weeks ago (check)

So I should be happy and fulfilled now right?
yeah...I thought so too...not so much ...

I mean, yes I feel better and those were very important things and steps in the right direction...but I'm still missing the mark a little I think.

Today...I'm just out of sorts...I'm feeling sad. My 14 yr old son came to live with me here on the rock a month ago ... He moved back home yesterday... I understood, I was ok, I thought I was ok, I'm not ok.
I walked in my house this morning...and stepped over his school books on the floor where he left them after taking them out of his book bag to pack up to go home. I stepped over them and was faced with the overwhelming need to cry.

I need my children, how could I possibly begin to feel fulfilled when I am 1400km away from my children?
Yes, yes I do know I chose to leave...I'm very aware of that fact thank-you.

Funny enough...up to the point I did it myself, I never understood how a mother could leave her children. It's one of those things in life you just cannot get until you've been there yourself. Like depression for example, people who have never experienced real clinical depression can't understand why people can't just snap out of it. People who have never had an addiction can't understand why people just can't stop.

So how can a mother leave her children? When she's so broken inside that she's not really a mother to begin with. Being physically present with your children day in and day out does not make you a mother in the truest sense of the word.
Mother (noun) - a female parent
Mother (adjective) - the act of mothering, loving, nourturing, protecting, caring...responsible for the upbringing and character of the ones she is mothering.

At the time I left ... I couldn't even nurture and care for myself, nevermind 4 little people.
During the deepest darkest periods of my depression, I didn't care enough to take a shower, I didn't care if I ever got out of bed, I wasn't functioning. I wasn't nourturing my children, they weren't being brought up - they were being drug up. I did not have the capacity to mother.
 They had no structure, no guidance. I was physically present but that was the extent of it.

Was I a mother? well if you go by the noun definition - I was, I was still a female parent. But if you look at the adjective...not even close.

I think when a women gets into her mid thirties to 40's range its when she really looks at herself, her life and analyzes it. I had lived unhappy for years, I was going through the motions of life... but I wasn't living it. I was not the person I wanted to be by a long shot. Why wasn't I happy? Because I wasn't in control of it, I wasn't in the drivers seat. I basing my happiness on the people around them and leaving it in their hands. So, I had to own it. The first step - leaving.

Understand, I moved out of my parents house at 19 years old and moved in with my now ex husband. I went from relying on my parents to relying on him. I was fully dependent. I never did anything for myself.
I needed to grow. I needed to learn what it meant and felt like to be responsible for me, I needed to take full responsibility for my own happiness. There was very little I could do on my own before i left home... simple things like going shopping, I always wanted/needed hubby to go with me, or a friend...

It shocked allot of ppl including myself when I jumped in my car and drove across two provinces and took an 8 hour ferry all by my self. that was a huge huge step for me. By myself.
I lived alone, spent allot of time by myself, the last 6 months have been about finding myself. It wasn't an easy break, Lots of emotional breakdowns along the way. It was a necessary step. A new start, a new life, a new stronger me.

I'm strong now, I can handle things, I'm strong. I still get sad sometimes, but there is a big difference between sad and emotional breakdown. I'm in control of my emotions now. I'm in control of who does and doesn't have the capability to affect my emotions, and that list continues to get smaller and smaller. I've taken allot of peoples rights away, the right to make me angry, the right to make me happy, the right to make me sad. Allot of people have lost those rights. That makes me feel proud of me. I'm in control, in the drivers seat.

So what's my problem now? why aren't I fully fulfilled. I'm whole again, no longer broken, able to care for myself...able to nurture. I took the immediate necessary steps to feel fulfillment....

I understand now what it means to be a mother, I see how poor of a job i did. I'm ready to be the mother my kids need.
Devin came to live with me for a month. I was a mum, a proper mum. I made the effort and took the time and went through the growing pains of providing a structured disciplined environment to a child who hadnt been in one for years and years. And you know what, after it all came to a head - i like to refer to it as Hell week. He did so well with it. He respected and followed the rules, he adapted to the structure and i think even liked it. He foiund a measure of healing he so desperately needed. He had open wounds from the separation.
He improved his attitude, his outlook, talked like a responsible little person. I was a mum, a real mum, I washed his clothes, made him food, made sure he had ate and washed and got to bed on time. I put my own wants on hold. I changed my habits and lifestyle to meet his needs. I went out with him on Friday nights, I stayed home or came home early when i did go out on rare occasions because i needed to put him first. Be here for him. And i didnt mind doing it. I liked it. I was a mum, a real mum! For the first time in years and years. I did it, I fixed myself and was able to focus on the needs of my child. I reached my goal.

But he missed his friends, and now he's gone back. And I'm sad.
It was a very strange weekend ... I was very out of sorts, Rut Roh, feeling unfilled again, rut roh, not feelig happy, rut roh, looking for happiness in a relationship. Red flags were going off everywhere .... Thank God I'm self aware.
I need to take the bull by the horns now, right now.
I need to focus on me, focus on my new job, focus on my fitness again. focus.
There's one thing I can't fix, and I don't know how to fix.
I'm 1400 kilometres away from my 4 children.
I maintain that I needed to leave, I maintain that I needed to grow and fix myself.
I've done that.
But now I'm still 1400km away from my children, I just started a new job... and I realized today... I need my children. I need my children again now. I need to be a mum.
But of course I've gone and put myself in a situation where I can't just move home. I'm strong enough to now, emotionally I mean, I van handle it. But I just started a new job....
So thats where I'm at. How can I stay so far from them? I need them, they need me. I need my girlfriends too, I miss them...
So what do I do? well I keep my chin up, I focus on my new career and my fitness and nutrition. that's what I do for now. Try to get more financially stable... that's what I do for now. and wait for the solution to present itself I guess.

I don't want to be left in this war tonight
Am I alone in this fight?
Is anyone out there?
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